Taylor Swift’s mom, Mrs. Childpimp Moneybags, broke down in court while testifying against her daughter’s sexual assailant David Mueller. The DJ has a thing for seven-foot-tall country trash bags of bones, and he played grab ass with Taylor’s golf ball butt cheeks during a meet-and-greet in 2013. He initially sued over Swift’s career-killing sexual assault allegations, claiming that they damaged his reputation, and now she’s countersuing for just $1 to take “a stand for all women.” Interesting. I always assumed Taylor would be the one using her hands to change her career.
Yesterday we learned that Swift’s mother, real name Andrea, has taken in one too many soaps while freebasing Cheez-It dust in her muumuu tarp, because she let out a string of Emmy-reject drama that gives us meme material for the next decade. The emotional turmoil of Swift’s groping threatened to turn Andrea’s orifices into gushing messes, as she detailed to the judge:
I was upset to the point where I wanted to vomit and cry at the same time. We felt it was imperative to let his employers know what happened.
Adding “at the same time” is important. Separately, who gives a fuck. She adds:
I knew what happened, I heard it from her, I heard it from my daughter’s mouth. He sexually assaulted her, right there, that guy. She couldn’t believe that after he grabbed her, that she thanked them for being there. It was just destroying her that she said that…as a parent it made me question why I taught her to be so polite in that moment.
Humble brag much. Taylor Swift’s career has always hinged on aggressively blasé bubble gum pop garbage appealing to overweight self-harming tweens banking on Swift being something other than a well-oiled corporate entity. But her harrowing experience with being raped by a hand on the outside of her underwear could change everything. Only time will tell if Swift can take her own advice and just shake it off. Shake it off.
Here’s a closer look at Swift giving constipated sexually assaulted Nancy Drew villain vibes in the courtroom.
Photo Credit: Getty, BackGrid