Lena Dunham: And I Helped!

December 7, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Lena Dunham is the equivalent of that little attention whore in the Shake ‘n Bake commercial swooping in at the last minute to take credit for something gross in the new piece from the New York Times. The spokesperson for straight women, straight men, gay women, gay men, black people, Latinos, anyone under thirty-five, anyone over thirty-five, birds, bees, frogs, oranges, and staplers, but not rape victims, claims to have warned Clinton’s campaign peeps of Weinstein’s reputation as the double-stuffed Don Juan of Hollywood hotel rooms. 

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Bryan Singer Fired, Suffers Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

December 5, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Kevin Spacey’s real-life BFF and the worst chaperone ever, Bryan Singer, is famous for a lot of things – mainly allegedly drugging and defiling teen boys in the 90’s – but now he’s back in the news for being an entitled and as of yesterday jobless little bitch. Singer has been relieved of his duties directing the Freddie Mercury biopic Bohemian Rhapsody after a deluge of reports of unprofessional on-set behavior and just plain not showing up to work. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Singer was absent from the set for up to ten days at a time. The continuous disruptions caused a riff between Singer and Mercury-portrayer Rami Malek, leading to Singer throwing an object at Malek. Who thankfully is four feet tall and a very difficult target.

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University Of Tennessee Not Hiring Jerry Sandusky’s Boy Wrangler Greg Schiano

November 27, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

As with the Harvey Weinstein scandal, it’s difficult to believe perpetrators’ inner circles are unaware of abuse. Especially since instead of assaulting his victims in private hotel rooms like a baller, Sandusky was soaping up boys in locker rooms accessible to a number of Penn State employees. Sandusky used his Second Mile program as an opportunity to round up eight to twelve-year-old boys to give them a once-in-a-lifetime hands-on approach to football. And his hard dick. 

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Danica Roem Is First Openly Transgender U.S. Elected Official

November 8, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Thirteen-term Republican Virginia Delegate Robert G. Marshall’s dream of only being surrounded by penises in public restrooms as far as the eye can see is now officially dashed thanks to his loss to transgender victor in the 2017 Virginia elections, Danica Roem. Marshall has long preached against a grab bag of LGBT issues from marriage to adoption, but most famously, he got the ball rolling on the failed “bathroom bill” specifically targeting transgender men and women. God made the glory hole for one reason and one reason only. Where’s the glory now I implore you. 

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Fox News Anchor: Texas Victims Lucky Jesus Watched Them Bleed Out

November 7, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Jesus sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake, and he knows where to witness you getting gunned down by a psychopath in a church in Texas. While covering the devastating Sutherland Springs, Texas massacre that left twenty-six dead and twenty injured, Fox news anchor Ainsley Earhardt concluded that churches are the best places to get murdered because you get to do it close to Jesus. The guy likes a front row seat. Some are noting that this idea of Final Fantasy: Church Shooting could be insensitive to the families of those who lost their lives, while others are praising Earhardt for putting a positive spin on something for once. Why does the news always have to be so negative?

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Donald Trump Jr. Socialist Halloween In Penis Huggers

November 1, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

With all the fame ho celebrities airing out their vages in hourly rate-ready slut wear this Halloween, who would have thought that the real headline-grabber would be Donald Trump Jr. His father’s perfectly-shaped cat anus mouth is always ready for our attention, but we only hear about Jr. when he’s opening a line of bougie hotels for savvy KKK travelers or ruining the coolness of espionage that we’ve come to expect from Jason Bourne. Trump Jr. dedicated this Halloween to his number one superhero, his dad, aww, by donning a Spandex dick-hugging American flag suit and a rubber mask with his father’s likeness. Betsy Ross wishes.

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Me Three

October 18, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Now that the Ice Bucket Challenge is long gone, there’s a new cause blazing across social media, and this time you don’t even have to get doused in water to get involved. Simply update your status to include #MeToo and share the story of the time a bartender smiled at you a little too intensely. “You think rape victims have it bad, you should see the way that bartender squirted the lime into my gin and tonic. He was picturing my vagina. I was lime raped. The worst kind.” If someone actually updated with that status I might like them. 

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Woman Dragged Off Flight For Pet Allergies Works Hard For The Money (VIDEO)

September 28, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Nothing’s more en vogue these days then getting dragged off airplanes, and yesterday an unidentified female passenger, who we’ll just call Working Girl, was dragged off with the best of them while on a Southwest airplane boarding at Baltimore-Washington International Airport. Working Girl first clocked in when she realized that there were two dogs on her flight. Jarring realization considering the rarity of dogs. 

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Megyn Kelly Kicking Ass And Taking Dumps

September 27, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Megyn Kelly is making a name for herself as the spunky morning talk show host who gathers up her Jones New York dresses, squats down, and takes massive steaming Megyn Kelly dumps on her guests. The former Fox News correspondent and perpetual owner of a psychopathic murderer smile currently hosts the last hour of NBC’s Today show – a program dedicated to fall’s must-have cookie recipes, gerbils that can do flips to show tunes, and white children rescued from wells. 

 

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Standing Desks Kill People, New Report Says

September 20, 2017 | News | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

If your name is Barbara from accounts receivable, you dabble with morbid obesity but you drink Diet now so it’s all good, and you plan on dying self-impaled on a plastic ficus in your cubicle surrounded by NCIS paraphernalia, you probably love a good standing desk. If your name is Keith from finance, you bought your shirt out of a shoebox at Ross Dress for Less, and you take online business classes that you found advertised in a pop-up window, you definitely love a standing desk. 

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