Time’s Person Of The Year A Bunch Of “Silence Breakers” But Mostly Taylor Swift

December 6, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

The magazine that your great-grandparents got all of their breaking Dust Bowl news from, Time Magazine, has managed to stay relevant for yet another year by awarding its Person of the Year distinction to a bunch of women who have experienced sexual assault, been manhandled, or just seen a man in general. This is in no way intended to play off of last year’s Person of the Year, Donald Trump, and in no way feels like months-late click bait. You’ll never believe who’s flat ass was grabbed by a DJ. Oh, you already heard about it fourteen years ago? Well too bad, because the Internet will still apparently fuck anything tangential to the #MeToo movement. Consensually of course.

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Britney Spears Case Of The Runs While Singing Elvis Live

December 4, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

You know it’s going to be a good day when Britney Spears’ handlers sprinkle out a trail of Zoloft to lure her in front of the cameras to sing live. The inexplicably still up and running Spears sports the hottest Kohl’s prom dress a girl could get in 2002 while belting out Elvis’ Can’t Help Falling in Love in celebration of her thirty-sixth birthday. She goes for Christina Aguilera-worthy vocal runs but ends up sounding like a squeaky toy begging for death, and it’s all perfect. The best part of this early Christmas present is the elaborate camera work, AKA someone shakily walking around Spears with an iPhone, giving the whole masterpiece a little The Night Before Blair Witch flair. 

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Bella Thorne “Ain’t No Two Pump Chump” On Giant Penis (VIDEO)

December 3, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Ragged Anne Doll Bella Thorne always manages to one-up her crazy shenanigans – creating Internet buzz and generating comments like “ew” and “I thought she was dead” – and this turn on a giant mechanical penis is no different. The twenty-year-old hypothetical actress took to Snapchat to share a video of her strung out self gyrating on a what could double as Kim Kardashian’s dildo while a potential suitor sends the words of encouragement “You ain’t no two pump chump” that all twenty-year-old girls should hear. Get you a man who films you straddling a mechanical penis while yelling at you.

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Chrissy Teigen Pan Am Ho Convention Birthday

December 2, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Chrissy Teigen managed to keep her nipples and cellulite at bay, as far as we know, during her Pan Am-themed thirty-second birthday party that people are talking about for some reason. Pan Am harkening back to a time when a male pilot could full-blown rape a stewardess and still make it home in time to punch his wife. Modeled on Teigen’s relationship with John Legend. Kidding, but…? 

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Matt Lauer Sorry, But Also Not Sorry (VIDEO)

November 30, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

NBC’s formerly popular morning show Today is the end all be all place for boxed wine-fueled housewives to get their hot tips on how to use garlic… in desserts? Stay tuned for this and more brain dead dribble. And anyone tragic enough to follow the program over the past few decades knows that the long-time face of the show Matt Lauer is a real piece of shit. In fact, the more you read about him, the more you will genuinely hate him, which is why people don’t seem too torn up about the explosive sexual assault allegations being throw his way. 

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Katie Couric Once Said Matt Lauer Pinched Her Ass “A Lot”

November 29, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Matt Lauer is the latest Hollywood insider to be taken down for previous handsy action, just yesterday getting the boot from Today for what NBC News stated was “inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.” Only one official complaint has been filed, but NBC News also added: “We were also presented with reason to believe this may not have been an isolated incident.” While everything from doting eye contact to awkward hotel masturbation to statutory rape has been conflated as “sexual assault” or “inappropriate sexual behavior” – leaving us to wonder what, exactly, men like Lauer were up to – we now know from a 2012 clip uncovered by TMZ that former Today cohost Katie Couric was physically touched by Lauer in the form of then hilarious, now dead ass serious, ass pinching. 

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Kris Jenner Compares Daughters To Leaky Faucet

November 27, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

During the Jenndashian brothel family holiday celebration, Kris Jenner insulted faucets everywhere when she compared them to her drippy slut daughters. E!’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians: A Very Kardashian Holiday transported us to a dinner table decked out for either a Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie shoot or a meal with the Vampire Lestat, where the ladies got emotional about their leaky holes.

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Gigi Hadid’s Racism Bites Back At Victoria’s Secret

November 18, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

The lesser of two evils, Gigi Hadid, has announced that she will not be heading to China for the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and many are speculating that her absence is more of a national policy than a whim decision due to a racist video featuring Hadid that went viral this past summer. In the video, Hadid can be seen pulling back her eyes to mimic a Chinese Buddha cookie – an offensive gesture powerful enough to send all of China into a frenzy. Hadid then goes on to recite some lines from what she declares as her favorite poem: “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.” Kidding, but she was thinking about it. 

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Ben Affleck And His Vagina Talk

November 17, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

In addition to packing on fifty pounds over the past decade, Ben Affleck also seems to have packed on a vagina, and he and his puss continued their “The things we would have done if we had known about Weinstein. Grrr” tour with an appearance Thursday on The Late Show and another one Friday morning on Today. His poor vagina is literally working around the clock. Something he has in common with Bella Hadid. Last night Affleck was confronted by Stephen Colbert about the time he groped A-list superstar with nothing to gain Hilarie Burton, and Affleck queefed a carefully-crafted canned response that recuses himself of the situation just enough to point out that, across the board, men are terrible.

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Kim Kardashian Takes Something Salty In Her Mouth For Publicity

November 16, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

As if this is even news, last night Kim Kardashian took a salty load in her mouth for publicity in front of the cameras. Wild.

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